2012 A.D ! A Recapitulation and A Resolve.

'Self medicating with self hatred.' wise_kaplan's tweet.

Whoaah, 2012 is already over. Oh boy, what a shit year it was. Let me take you through my year.

• ·         It started very well. Something was going to give, I should've seen that coming.
• ·         During the first six months and through 9th to 10th month, 'I was drunk and had no thought of returning.'
• ·         I read only four books and saw a handful of movies.
• ·         I reread one book several times.
• ·         Elder toppled my idols, one by one, in cold blood, like fuckin' dominoes.
• ·         Sighed a lot.Laughed a lot. Guess we are even :(
• ·         Visited one too many cities, some of them I had actually wanted to visit. However, nothing compares to landing in home at night, to all of those lights.
• ·         I bought anything I felt like.
• ·         I practiced pick up lines on a mirror. They went better than expected on myself, on other people of the fairer sex, they didn't go so well. Some mysteries of the universe will not reveal to me.  
• ·         My friends got all scattered in all corners of the world.
• ·         I hang out with average men, dated average women, worked hard, went to gym and socialized like average people. Almost ended up average. I have a strong distaste for average.
• ·         Got fat. Like really fat. Even in the face :(
• ·         One of my closest friends found god. Hallelujah.
• ·         One of my closest friends became a father. Gave him parenting advice. 
•       Milan Kundera is the biggest mind-fuck i have ever encountered. 
• ·         Preached the benefits of holy matrimony to almost all of my single friends.
• ·         Made friends against my will, started to love them as well :(
• ·         Flirted with the basic rules of existence.
• ·         Was desperate for knowledge in the afternoons, too tired in evenings.
• ·         Burning in water, drowning in flame sort restlessness was experienced several times.
• ·         My manager got fired for doing the right thing. 
•       Inspiration was hard to come by. Muses even harder.
• ·         Switched three jobs over a period of three months, only to find that jobs weren't the problem.
• ·         Whiskey is sunshine held together by water.
• ·         Found out that I am allergic to sulphides in red wines, hence the hangovers.
• ·         With great powers comes greater responsibility, hence I am dumb as fuck, not in a spiderman-ish way.
• ·         Regretted (mostly) nothing.  
• ·         Lived in an apartment with no view of the horizon.
• ·         Had an existential crisis, which lasted a long while.
• ·         Had a moment of weakness.
• ·         A 20 year old girl, an undergrad, jolted my world by asking me questions, the answers to which I didn't like very much as they made me realize how wrong i had been in past two years. Such is life.
• ·         Same 20 year old girl gave me hope that women can be amazing conversationalists and ultra smart, after a very long time.
• ·         Had another moment of weakness.
• ·         And a fuckin' month of weakness.
• ·         Was honest, mostly.  
• ·         Fought demons, like a boss.  
• ·         Shared my feelings twice, with two other dudes. Felt more horrible afterwards. Ewww.
• ·         Realized I am not as smart as I had thought myself to be, it's the people around who were dumber.
• ·         Under trying conditions, I cracked.
• ·         Had a pet elephant, named it a perpetual sense of loss. It died only very recently.  
• ·         Tried to teach myself that a fight that is not mine is not mine. Didn't work :(
• ·         Didn't heed bff's warnings about not getting emotional. And 'sentiment is a weakness found among the losing sides'.  
• ·         Dreamt of glory several times. It was that bad.
• ·         I failed at an academic test. And by failing  I mean, I was merely above average, a B+. This won't go so well.
• ·         Discovered a new meaning of hell.
•       Broke most of my rules. About everything. 
• ·         Hooked up and didn't date. A friend told me I am growing up :(  

But in moments of weakness, I was kept motivated by friends. In lonely times, strangers were kind to me. I failed at a couple of things. I fucked up a few times. But I am stronger than ever. I have a phobia of weakness. It is hilarious, how at the end of the day, I am a text book case of insecurities, fears and traumas. I am not known to show any weaknesses or emotions. I have been called heartless, steel hearted and a beast. I endure and I move on. Righteousness, morals and ethics have never meant much to me. I have always been prone to corruption. And I love myself the way I am. Self loathing has been very helpful as well. I change slowly, yet I evolve. The only reason that I do any good is because it will never render me weak. So each year, I am lesser afraid and I am stronger. 

So here's to 2013, whatever storms it holds, come at me bro.Ima take you on like i have never taken anything on.

Oh and I am going to grow my mustache back this year.







PS: Check out this song PJ Harvey wrote about me.