Sunday, September 22, 2013

Ranting Raconteur

If you think they didn’t go crazy
in tiny rooms
just like you’re doing now

without women
without food
without hope

then you’re not ready

 How to be a great writer - Charles Bukowski.

So maybe i won't end up like Bukowski at all, for i am never without women, food and hope. As long as i don't chose to be. But past couple of months have been really crazy. Where do i even begin.

I failed a fuckin' test. Again. And i felt FUCK MY LIFE. FUCK ME. TAKE MY MONEY, GIVE ME ALCOHOL, COME PICK ME UP AND BE NICE TO ME AND LOVE ME AND TELL ME I AM THE SEXIEST MAN ALIVE kind of low.

I kind of got fired at work. Like actually my employer's contract was terminated on a very short notice by a bitch of a customer (to whom we provide managed services), so i wasn't technically fired but the customer never liked me. They complained to my manager that whenever i go to their premises for meetings, i flirt with all the girls. So my manager warned me. And i got really sad and low that why don't people understand my love for women. So i made up for that by flirting and befriending two girls (one is kinda fat and other looked really messed up) whom i hadn't flirted with before. So there's that.And then the customer hired me but i will leave them soon probably. Because you don't fuck with my employer which is like the alma mater of my trade. That's why. Also i miss my manager who asked me to show him a picture of my gf and that was the first time i downloaded a picture of a girl on my phone. Also i told him my bank balance one day, dead sober, while inquiring about another job prospect. These leeches would never live up to be as good as my stupid, old, always thinking in the box, manly and ultra supportive manager. And i asked another of my older manager for a reference letter for a job application and he said that he will write that keep all girls out of my reach at the job i was applying for. Talk about not putting up pretenses.

And remember like i kinda fell in love at the start of summer. So after that i wasn't very keen on girls anymore. I mean on my way to work or on way back, i did fall in love with like two three girls, each day, except for Sundays, because on Sundays i go out to malls and shit to ogle babes and fall in love with them and be creepy around them and stuff, but after that girl left, no other girl would make up for that huge void that she left me in soul which couldn't be filled up with alcohol or poetry or gardening or cooking or sewing that i took up to kill time. So that got me thinking that maybe i am off the game. And i did feel like i was off my game. And then a friend of mine told me that the said girl took my game. And i was like oh no, i should try my game again. And i did try my game again. And i realized that my game is like so much better than before. It's like each month's paycheck is giving me more confidence and things that one needs for the game. After all, it's not the 800$ suit, it's knowing that your suit is worth 800$ that keeps your back super stiff, right?. I mean, i chatted up a girl at airport standing behind me in queue by asking her oh my god what perfume are you wearing. She must've thought that i am gay. But hey since gay became the new straight, it is no big deal. And chicks are lot less homophobic in my humble opinion than most people i know. I mean other day i saw this really beautiful blonde man, he was like tall and had long hair and was wearing a really open v-neck t-shirt and i was in a bus and i noticed all the guys were looking at him and i sighed and i said to myself that yea, even i'd probably let him do me. So yeah, there's that. And about game, there is this tall silly girl in HR who texted me out of the blue one day for a copy of a required document and one hour and 30 texts later decided to go out with me. (Those 30 texts weren't all mine, i mean it was one-one correspondence, me sending 30 texts asking her out, might actually work, but hey that's no game, that's only persistence. And sending the same 30 text in one hour asking her out, well that's just, i mean god help you brother, application for restraining order shit.)

Ok and then i have this friend's sister who is single and when i first met her she was all over me. Like all over me. I mean it has been such a long time ago that a girl was so all over me. Mostly they are like oh no you are so funny and cute we will not fuck you despite of your big shoulders, work harder than that. And that really pisses me off you know. Because other day i read someday somewhere on internet that men hate being called cute, as we are men not puppies, call us handsome and sexiest man alive. So technically she is out of bounds as she is my friend's baby sister (she is as old as me) on grounds of what i like to do to girls. But she came one evening to take me out and deliver a gift that was sent by her older sister (my bff). And it was full moon and by the time we reached the end of my street i told her omg look at that full moon. And she looked at me and she said to me, you are a full moon. I mean, who the fuck does that. Only my mother thinks i am that pretty and comparable to moon. Oh my god. I mean being a boy it feels really really nice if a girl tells you that you are full moon. But anyway, she was  such a cute and simple girl. She said, 'God willing, we will get alcohol tonight' totally non-sacrilegious-ly I mean how damn cute is that. You gotta love religious girls. I mean they got it going for them. Somehow. And she was being so sweet. She said that she wants to get married and have a man to make her happy everyday. I mean i wish getting laid would make my life one bit happier or easier. And i thought i really did dig chicks and their need about being loved no matter what kind of abusive stupid dick they end up with. But it figure that i don't know chicks at all. And in my humble opinion, understanding women is overrated anyway. They don't understand themselves.

And then another of my friend's sister had a break up while i was away on vacation, and i had a little crush on her. But each time i start talking to her, my friend makes this poker-face which made me realize that she is not comfortable with me making her sister laugh. I mean, come on ladies, you gotta trust a brother. And then another of my best friend had a break up. And another of my friend kinda stopped talking to me over something (a little something, i shouldn't have done). So i am dealing with so much estrogen right now that it's not even funny anymore. I wish i was friends with more men and had to deal with testosterone. I mean like saving guys from jumping from cliffs and poetry and making the world a better place kinda shit. But no all i get is estrogen to deal with. Pretty pretty girls, whom i can't sleep with. Do you have any fuckin' idea how much that hurts. Being in a candy shop, with a sweet tooth, having handfuls of candy but like fasting. WTF? And i have never known even the spelling of abstinence.

So i got so fucked up that i decided that i will grow a mustache. But then i thought to myself that people might think that i am trying to re-invent myself like a sad little fuck. So no, mustache ain't gonna happen. Might dye my hair blonde though. Hmm and you might think that i am overthinking it but in my humble opinion underthinking it or just thinking it is for wusses. Real men always over think shit. And my only man-bff whom i get to see only two-three months nowadays although we live in the same city two streets apart and used to work in the same office told me one day to go for studies and stop selling my soul for the pennies. Well today i have been totally rantsy and like totally sober. I also decided to practice self-control. I saved the last slice of a pizza for two for breakfast yesterday night. Ate it. Two hours later. So i guess that's a start. Self-control has always been a myth to me. I have tried reading about it but didn't enjoy it at all. Someday maybe i will watch a film on it. Also i am cutting down on alcohol. In August, i had like only three drinks. In September, i kinda got fucked up. So don't ask. But then i finished all alcohol and woke up one morning and decided not to drink. During weekdays. Before 8 PM atleast. Or while sun is up. That is just wrong you know.

So much for ranting. I am pretty sure that my life is super exciting and super fucked up. So you won't get it anyway, so you won't get it anyway. For a lover of summers, mine was super-fucked. Hope yours ended better.

Here's to sucky, soul-inflicting, soggy winter that might well be the best winter of our discontents.



6 comments:

  1. YAY. I love a post like this.

    winter of discontents. I think that was the title of one of your older posts.
    Also today in the afternoon I stepped up a level in dreams. False awakening +lucidity in a dream in a dream.

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  2. Oh hi, winter of our discontent is the opening line of Richard III by Mr. Shakespeare. I haven't read much of Shakespeare, though. So don't be impressed. Will do so someday maybe.

    Your dreams are so awesome. My dreams are like total subconscious-al manifestation of whatever i am dealing with at the moment.

    How did lucid dreaming feel like? What did you dream?

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  3. Well it was like. Okay I tried to write it down after I woke up so I'll paste it here.


    Dream: I was sleeping. Then I woke up and started studying patho. Then I woke up again and realised that I was asleep earlier and I was only reading patho in my dream. So I started reading patho again. This time I realised that it wasn't patho. There was something else written on the page. Everytime I looked away and then looked back at my book, the text changed. So I woke up again. And the roomates were in the room so I told them that everytime I close my eyes, and some images comes in my head(from or a dream or whatever), I can actually read them out loud consciously. So I start doing it. And I close my eyes and there is tunnel vision but I can read what's written on the paper. It's my own handwriting from when I was a kid. And I remember reading the lines 'dallas. Rainy day, epsilon' etc. And while I was doing this I was thinking why my brain is showing me these crazy images of my childhood. And then. I woke up again.

    So it was like partial lucidity in my dream in the dream I guess. Haha.


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  4. That's kinda cool. I've never had lucid dreams.

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  5. http://openclipart.org/people/Ramchand/Okay_guy.svg

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